3 Gifts Everyone Wants

from Able Leader, October 2005

by Steve Kaye

Most people celebrate the holidays by giving gifts. Here are three things that everyone wants with suggestions on how to wrap them.

1) Connection. Everyone wants to feel connected to someone else.

Note: This satisfies our basic human need to be part of society.

> How to Wrap It

Set aside time when you can give full attention to a phone call. You might choose an afternoon on the weekend or any evening. Sit in a comfortable chair as if you were talking in the same room together. And use your house phone so that you have a good connection. Avoid using your cell phone (unless it's your only phone). And most certainly do not call on a cell phone while waiting in line at the Post Office, eating dinner with a colleague, or paying for a purchase at the supermarket.

When you call, engage the person in a friendly conversation. Ask how the person is doing and then listen to the news. Ask questions about the person's interests, hobbies, or activities. And listen to what the person says. Avoid doing other things during this conversation, such as surfing the net, reading mail, or playing video games.

Note: If it would be difficult to talk to the person by phone (for example, the person is hard of hearing) then write a handwritten note. Just as in your phone conversation, use a friendly tone, ask questions, and share tidbits of enjoyable news.

Note: These are respectful telephone skills that you can apply to any phone call.

2) Understanding. Everyone wants to feel understood.

Note: You will most likely encounter relatives (or colleagues) who sound like they are complaining, bragging, or promoting something. Actually, they are seeking understanding.

> How to Wrap It

Listen for the real message being conveyed by the other person. To do this, you will have to pay careful attention to the person's choice of words, energy, facial expressions, body language, and any other clues that you can notice. Then respond with some statement that shows you understand what the person is really talking about.

For example, let's suppose that somebody someone is telling you about his (or her) sickness, operations, and medication. This could sound like a complaint. And some people might want to respond with either encouragement ("Cheer up, you'll feel better"), advice ("You should eat more bananas"), or boasts ("You think that's bad, let me tell you about my operation").

Certainly, none of these responses show understanding. Some of them could even lead to an argument.

Instead, show that you understood the person's real message by saying something like, "You must have suffered a lot" or "You have been through a great deal of pain" or "You have shown a lot of courage." Of course, you will have to make your best guess about what the person is trying to say, but even if you miss the mark, the other person will appreciate your attempt.

3) Validation. Everyone wants to be right.

Note: Everyone thinks that they are telling the truth, even when they suspect that they aren't.

Note: In some cases, the person may be testing ideas, searching for reactions, or scattering bait. The wrong response in any of these situations will lead to an argument.

> How to Wrap It

If someone is sharing opinions, just listen. Avoid offering corrections, arguments, or insults. Instead, show that you accept what the person is saying. Of course, if you agree then tell the person that you agree. And just listen.

If you need to say anything, ask friendly neutral questions such as "How does that work?" or "What led you to make that decision?" or "How did you meet?" or "Then what happened?" or "What makes you say that?" You can also respond by saying things like, "Interesting" or "Fascinating" or "Wow" or "Amazing" or "That's incredible."

Bonus Ideas

1) Decorate all of these gifts with kindness. Then add a touch of humor to make them especially memorable.

2) You can use these communication techniques any time that you want to hold an enjoyable conversation.

3) Share these ideas with others. In fact, give a gift of this newsletter subscription to everyone on your list. They'll be impressed and talk about it for years.

By the way, this is a sample of the types of techniques that people learn in my workshop on Communication Skills.

Much success,

Steve Kaye
714-528-1300