Help for the Holidays

from Able Leader, October 2006

by Steve Kaye

They're coming, and they're scarier than any Halloween goblin.

Who are they?

Brace yourself: they're the relatives who descend upon your household every year for holiday parties. And they bring a mixed bag of contrary opinions, goofy ideas, and outrageous stories.

Here's how to make these events memorable for the right reasons.

1) Hide Your Stuff

Unless you host like-minded people, leave your private cause in a drawer.

Prepare for a party by making a list of general conversation topics that everyone will enjoy. As a last resort, talk about the old standards such as the weather, local sports teams, or trying to park at the mall.

Avoid wearing pins, badges, or ribbons that commemorate causes because these invite comments that lead to arguments.

Similarly, refrain from delivering editorials, lectures, or sermons, regardless how much anyone may seem to need one.

Remember: it's a holiday party. No one came to be fixed, changed, or converted.

2) Make Them Special

Let others talk.

Encourage this by asking gentle guiding questions. For example, ask others about their plans, their last vacation, or anything that you notice (e.g., "where did you get the new sofa?"). And then let them be the expert, regardless how much you know.

Let them be right, even if they seem to be wrong. Be impressed (or at least interested) with what they say. While they talk, give your complete attention. Listen to adsorb everything that they say. Let them feel that their ideas are so special that they deserve every bit of your attention.

Remember: Appreciation is a gift that lasts a lifetime.

3) Detach

Avoid taking anything personally.

Just let others be themselves. If they tell corny jokes, laugh at the jokes. If they tell old stories, show interest. If they offer advice, thank them. People do these things for themselves, so let it be. Change the subject (if necessary) by asking about a neutral topic (e.g., "What's happening at work?").

Accept what people say, regardless how silly it may sound. Avoid correcting, criticizing, or complaining. Avoid telling a better story.

Ignore bait that lures you into saying something foolish. If someone tempts you with a sensitive topic, just laugh and say, "How interesting. Excuse me, I need a drink of water,"

Remember: People respect those who manage themselves.

4) Talk Friendly

Offer compliments.

Praise everything and anything, such as people's clothes, cooking, shoes, pets, toaster, front yard, holiday decorations, carpet, mail box, door mat, children, books, walls, ceilings, lamps - - anything.

Find diplomatic ways to express your ideas. Use gentle, neutral words. Avoid sarcasm, satire, and criticism.

Avoid negative words, especially "not," because negative ideas trigger a defensive response. Talk about what is happening and what you want to happen.

Remember: People are attracted to warmth.

5) Behave

Be kind to everyone.

Avoid baiting people into arguments by making comments on sensitive issues, news events, or topics that prompt retaliation.

Avoid veiled insults (e.g., "Only poor people would buy a sofa like that"), trick questions (e.g., "Just what kind of idiot would buy such a sofa?"), unfair exaggerations (e.g., "We could have bought a dozen sofas like that."), and any type of direct insult (e.g., "You're an idiot for buying that sofa.").

Avoid punitive stories that contain insults or describe other people's failings. In general, set an example for how you want everyone else to behave at the party.

Remember: It is always a bad idea to start an argument.

Bonus Idea: Some events happen seldom, maybe once. Your success as a human being is measured by how well you helped make these events enjoyable for everyone.

Much success,

Steve Kaye
714-528-1300