Gifts No One Wants

from Able Leader, November 2008

by Steve Kaye

Here come the holidays, when people gather to exchange gifts.

While giving gifts may be commendable, there are two things that you can leave at home because no one wants them. They are:

Judgments

We judge everybody. And our judgments range from "Guilty" (e.g., jerk, failure, nitwit, and so on) to "Innocent" (e.g., success, hero, friend, and so on).

Judgments are bad because they are wrong.

Now, some of you must be thinking, "But I have evidence!"

Of course, we all have evidence. And we use our evidence to justify our judgments.

The problem with evidence is: 1) we collected only the evidence that supported the judgment we wanted, or 2) (fasten your seat belts) we caused it.

How?

By treating others as if our judgments were true.

Compare, for example, how you would treat a "surly" teenager with how you would treat a "favorite" client (or boss). If you treated the adult the same way that you treated the teenager, you would end up with a surly adult.

Solution: Leave your judgments at home. Yes, this sounds trivial. And I know this can be very difficult because we're attached to our judgments. In many cases, our judgments of others define who we are.

So try this: go to your holiday parties as if you were reporting to a new job. Imagine that everyone there is a stranger. Then use the visit to meet them. In fact, use the visit to form new judgments with a special twist. Now, you must interact with everyone so that you create evidence that proves they are "Innocent."

Costumes

We all wear costumes. They serve as our identity.

Wearing a costume can be bad when it has nothing to do with who you really are. You see, our costumes were given to us by others. And since we didn't choose them, they are usually wrong.

For example, families assign roles to their children such as The Hero (who is supposed to succeed) or The Victim (who is supposed to fail).

Roles can also come from others, such as a teacher who assigns a career (e.g., "You should study math."), a relative who assigns a destiny (e.g., "You should get married."), or classmates who assign a handicap (e.g., a demeaning nickname).

Then these costumes solidify into judgments that we form about ourselves.

And those judgments trap the person inside. This happens because we act out the fantasy defined by the costume. For example, a hero will strive to achieve success, thereby perpetuating the role of being a hero. And a victim will misbehave in ways that lead to failure, thereby perpetuating the role of being a victim.

As you must expect, costumes make relationships difficult because, like any costume, they scare people. They also scare the person wearing the costume. That is, every costume wraps the wearer in fear.

I realize that this may seem grim, but there is a way out.

Solution: Leave your costume at home. Acknowledge that it was a fictitious assignment given to you long ago. And then go inward to discover who you really are. (Hint: it's a human being who deserves to enjoy being alive.)

You may want to remove the costume slowly because some people won't recognize you without it. And if you appear without it, they will attempt to put it back on you.

So, take stock of all the pieces that make up your costume. Then find one item that you can take off. That means you will begin making changes in what you do based upon who you want to be.

And this brings us back to the beginning: a gift everyone wants.

Everyone wants a relationship without judgment or pretense. This is based on innocence toward each other and within one's self. And innocence comes from acceptance and love.

If you can accomplish this, you and everyone around you will truly enjoy the holidays.

Much success,

Steve Kaye
714-528-1300