Respect - How to Build Lasting Relationships

from Able Leader, August 2010

by Steve Kaye

Every lasting relationship depends upon respect.

Certainly, everyone tries to show respect for others. I know I do. And I'm sure that you do, too.

And yet, true respect seems to get lost in subtle nuances. Or well-intended foibles. Or even in attempts to earn respect.

So, here are three ways in which we can improve showing respect.

1) Listen

All of the books, workshops, and education on how to listen collapse into one simple instruction: Pay attention.

This means paying complete, absolute, undivided attention to the other person.

Unfortunately, this is where some people fail as listeners. They time-share their attention with another activity such as surfing the net, sorting papers, washing dishes, and so on. Or they engage in a cell phone conversation while paying for a purchase or eating with friends.

In such cases, they're neither here nor there. And that's an insult to everyone - the other person, the clerk at the cash register, or their friends.

Real listening is an intense activity that requires complete concentration with every part of our being. It requires that we listen with our ears for the words, with our eyes for the facial expressions, and with our heart for the feelings.

It requires us to be fully present as if nothing else exists.

Then, when the other person finishes talking, we pause for a brief moment to make sure that the other has finished. And now that our mind is free, we use this time to plan what we'll say in response.

2) Acknowledge

Everyone wants to feel important, to know that their life matters, and to know that someone cares about how they feel.

Thus, people show respect by acknowledging what someone has done or said.

With good news, this might sound like:

"You worked hard today."

"You must feel pleased with that."

Or, with sad news,

"I'll bet you're disappointed."

"You must feel hurt."

Through acknowledgment, we also show our humanity through compassion and understanding.

3) Share

Strong, courageous people show respect by sharing the three things that everyone wants.

- Freedom

For example, in a conversation, they let the other person talk. They allow silence so the other person can fill it. They begin conversations by asking questions that put the other person in charge. And then they listen.

- Authority

They let the other person be right.

Of course, there are times where correct information matters, and then there are diplomatic ways to state the truth.

In most conversations, however, there are many occasions where it is unimportant whether the other person is right or wrong. Then we can show respect by accepting that they have a right to express that idea.

For example, compare these two responses to, "Celery gives me a headache."

Response #1: "So you avoid celery." (which acknowledges a logical result of what the first person said)

Or

Response #2: "I don't get a headache from celery." (which discredits what the first person said)

- Success

Lasting relationships are built upon a foundation of mutual success. Thus, each person shows respect by helping the other be more successful.

There are many ways to accomplish this.

For example, we can speak clearly so that the other person understands what we are saying. We can include the person by focusing on topics that the other person enjoys. We can make it easier for the other person to convey ideas by creating a safe environment, by showing interest, and by asking helpful questions.

Final Thought

A huge reward awaits those who master respect: They receive more respect from others.

This happens because we receive exactly what we send.

Much success,

Steve Kaye

Call if I can help: 714-528-1300

P.S. Find my books here: Steve Kaye's Books.