Welcome to the World of Phone Robots
Has this happened to you?
You encounter phone robot greetings every day. Some help. Some don’t.
Do any of these sound familiar?
If you have a question requiring a 1-word answer, press 1.
If you have a question requiring a 2-word answer, press 2.
If you have a question requiring a 3-word answer, press 3.
If you have a question requiring a more complex answer, call an attorney.
This call will be recorded, reviewed, and analyzed for use as evidence in court.
Due to unexpected high call volumes, your wait time may be more than an hour. Please hold while we play obnoxious ads.
To make sure you’re connected to the correct technical support department,
Press 1, if you put your right sock on first.
Press 2, if you put your left sock on first.
Press 3, if you don’t wear socks.
Press 4, if you don’t own socks.
Press 5, if you think socks have nothing to do with fixing your equipment.
Your estimated wait time is 6 months. Press any button to continue.
Our phone robot has been programed to remain calm, no matter how frustrated you become.
We record and use your comments for comedy acts.
If you are an optimist who thinks someone cares enough to call back, press 1 to leave a message.
If you are a realist, hang up.
Talking louder will not improve our robots ability to understand what you say.
Please listen to this entire message because our menu options are changed each time you call.
If you want to talk to our phone robot, press 1.
If you want to talk to someone who cares, call your parents.
If you have called about this issue before, the answer is “No.”
Press 1 if you ate breakfast.
Press 2 if you missed breakfast.
Press 3 to repeat this menu.
Press 1 if you are in a hurry.
(Click)
Press 1 for the address of our company.
Press 2 for our newest ad.
Press 3 for a weather report at our home office.
Press 4 for information about our web site.
Press 5 to repeat this menu.
If you are having problems connecting to the Internet, visit our web site for solutions.
Press 1 if you are in a good mood.
Press 2 if you are in a bad mood.
You have reached the voice mail box for a purely virtual company. There are no products, no services, and no employees. Please leave a message.
Your call is very important to us.
That’s why we use a phone robot with 17 menus of unintelligible options that serve as an impenetrable logical labyrinth.
Press 1 if you want to continue.
Press 2 if you want to hang up.
If we really cared about your business, we would have hired someone to answer the phone.
If you received this message, we are driving through a tunnel. Please hang up and call back in a few minutes.
Caution: Our phone robot has caused callers to go insane.
We programed our customer support phone robot to be so offensive you won’t call again. Press one for to begin.
Since we fired our support staff so we could give bonuses to top executives, your wait time may be longer than usual. If you are more than 60 years old, we recommend that you hang up.
Bonus #1: Actual Call Experience
The caller opened with: “This is Chris* on a recorded line.”
And I said, “Good! Then you can send me a copy.”
And he hung up.
* Fictitious name
Bonus #2: Actual Statement
I complained about the bad customer service, and he said:
“It’s just you old people who expect to be treated with respect. Young people don’t know what it’s like. So we just have to wait until you’re gone.”
Bonus #3: Actual Statement
“We haven’t fixed our system because too few people have complained.”
Message for Executives
I make phone calls to talk to a person.
I do not make calls to gain info that I can find on a web site. And I don’t make calls to play quiz games with a phone robot.
So hire people to answer the phone.
